THE ELECTRONIC NATIONAL
an online version of the Tim Slagle newsletter
ovember took
me to Acme Comedy Company in Minneapolis Minnesota, one of the finest comedy
rooms in the free world. Unfortunately, it would seem that fact is
short lived, as Minneapolis is rapidly seceding from the free world.
This charming metropolis of the North has become home to an ever growing
contingent of Socialists. You would think that the fall of the USSR
would stand as a shining example of failure to any remaining Marxists in
the world. On the contrary, it proves to them that capitalism must
be absolutely obliterated for Socialism ever to work properly. That
would be an experiment to which I could never agree. I am extremely
uncomfortable with putting that many eggs into a single basket that has
never been proven to hold eggs.
One night at Acme, I had the fine opportunity to share a table with a group of Minneapolis Socialists. They invited me to sit down and have a piece of their pizza with them, but as I sat, they all grabbed for a slice. By the time I straightened my chair there wasn’t a single piece left. I thought to mention to them that they just proved to me why Socialism would never work, but seeing as one of them was an old friend, I thought I would be polite. The conversation started civilly enough, but it wasn’t long before I realized I was about to be attacked.
“What do you think about what happened to the Twins?” One of them asked. The people and government of Minnesota had just turned down the second offer in two weeks to build a new facility for the once famous ball club, and it looked like the team was about to move to North Carolina.
“I couldn’t be happier,” I responded. “I’ve been opposed to publicly funded sports for quite some time now, and I hope this is a sign that people are starting to arise from their slumber.”
“I wish every corporation would leave Minnesota,” one of them said. and everyone at the table snapped their fingers in approval.
I couldn’t leave that one lie. “Do you realize what a wasteland you would have if that really happened?” I shuddered to think of the frozen prairie with no heating oil or electric companies. The gnawing hunger of people that had no food reserves and no one to truck in groceries. The disease that would result from insufficient health treatment.
“Well at least we wouldn’t have to pay any more Corporate Welfare,” she quoted that Robert Reich term that always makes my skin crawl. In 1994, after the Republicans took over Congress, they began working on the welfare reform that Clinton had promised but never intended to deliver. Robert Reich, a tiny socialist, and then Secretary of Labor, coined the term “Corporate Welfare” to diminish the amount of social spending that goes on in this country. In order to drastically inflate the statistics, Herr Reich added all subsidies on top of the tax breaks given to corporate interests. The Lockstep Left adopted the term as a rallying cry.
I don’t mind tax breaks. I don’t only value tax breaks which affect me. I think that the more money the State leaves in the hands of its rightful owners, the better off we will all be. Too much of the government’s power arises from confiscating revenue, and making you jump through hoops to get a portion of it back. I do oppose subsidies. Letting a corporation keep their own money is one thing, giving them someone else’s is entirely different. Taxing a mom and pop restaurant to subsidize McDonald’s advertising abroad is abhorrent.
Capitalism works best when people control their own money. What makes it superior to any other form of goods distribution is that money has to be coaxed out of one’s pocket. The difference between fast food and sit down is; in a sit down restaurant, the wait-staff is trying to coax a tip out of you. If you’ve ever eaten in a restaurant where the gratuities are shared, not expected, or simply added to the bill you’ve noticed the difference in service. In a good restaurant, where tips are normally generous, the waitperson will go out of their way to make sure you enjoy your meal. A capitalist economy works much the same way as a good restaurant.. Businesses go out of their way to provide you with a good product and service that will encourage you to hand over your money happily. You walk away with the product, and they walk away with the money. Nobody feels cheated.
Government programs don’t work like restaurants. Governments use the threat of prisons and guns to get your money out of you. They don’t care if you leave a government office angry, because you have to come back, like it or not. Whether it’s for a tax audit or license renewal you have no choice but to talk nice, and hand over your money. If you fail to show up for your scheduled appointment, armed police will drag you in, and your fine will only be worse. I’ve often thought this may be why Federal Employees are notoriously the worst tippers on earth. They take out their hatred and ignorance of capitalism on the poor, sub-minimum wage food industry workers. It’s not like they don’t know how to calculate eighteen percent, they’ve been taking that out of my paycheck for years.
I oppose welfare. Welfare is taking money from somebody by force, and giving it to another who hasn’t done a thing for it. True charity is voluntary, and therefore must be coaxed out of your pocket. Much like a capitalist transaction, both parties leave happy. The donor feels better about himself, and the recipient who accepts the charity will go out of their way to prove themselves worthy of the generosity. A person who begs for a dollar has the courtesy to wait until you’re around the corner, before he ducks into the liquor store, so you think you’ve helped him. I’ve seen people pay for booze with food stamps right in front of me.
I’m not hypocritical either, I oppose all welfare. Like Broadcasting Welfare. If NPR and PBS can’t compete in the marketplace, why should they exist? Barney , Ernie and Elmo are billionaires, they can well afford to keep the Children’s Television Workshop running without government assistance. I also oppose Artist Welfare. If gallery shoppers don’t want to buy photos of excreta, or hire a performance artist to bleed in their kitchen at their Christmas Party, why should the Federal Government pay them for it? The NEA has no other value than to fund art that nobody wants to pay for, with the notion that somehow we will become a richer society. I also oppose Foreign Welfare. There is no reason for us to be giving money to the governments of other nations. I frankly don’t like giving my money to our own government, much less a third world theocracy like England, Israel, or Kuwait.
“Be careful when you say ‘Corporate Welfare’,” I interjected, “If you’re talking subsidies, I agree with you. If you’re talking tax breaks, I don’t. Tax breaks are not welfare. Promising not to take money is not a gift.”
“If somebody has to pay more money to make up for the taxes a corporation didn’t pay, that is most certainly a gift that comes out of the pockets of the workers!” Everybody at the table snapped their fingers again.
“Well if you didn’t give the tax breaks, the corporations would probably locate elsewhere, and you wouldn’t have any tax revenue. In fact you wouldn’t even have workers, just rampant unemployment and poverty.”
At this point something strange happened. Everyone at the table got really quiet and stared at me. Slowly, a woman broke the silence. “You sound like, ... like a Capitalist.”
I didn’t want to lie. “Yes I am.” At that point the table erupted into howls that were vaguely reminiscent of the final scene from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. The pointing and wailing went on for a couple minutes.
“How can you be so ignorant,” she asked when the frenzy subsided?
I regained my composure and took a thoughtful pause. “I feel that capitalism is probably the most civilized form of social organization the world has ever known”
She got up and leaned over to put her face only inches from mine and cackled like a drunken Sandy Dennis, “AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!”
“Excuse me,” I defended, “I let you have your say. Your condescending elitist attitude is doing nothing to support your point.”
“How dare you call me elitist. I am a very nice person. I’m not condescending. You just said something funny and I had to laugh. You said something very stupid, hateful and funny. I had to laugh at how ignorant and ugly you are!”
I get into arguments like this all the time. There are Socialists all over the country that most people never get to meet, because they will only talk to each other. They can’t reason, so the have to surround themselves with like-minded people to protect their dogma from critique, and feel smarter. The way I look attracts them to me. They think I’m a member of their little club so they think they can confide in me. When they realize they made a mistake, they first try to talk their way out of it. When they discover for the first time that free-market politics has far more intellectual background than greed and racism, they panic and resort to name calling.
I don’t deny that capitalism is fueled by greed. Greed exists. People always want more than they have. Even the gentle Native Americans, who lived for thousands of years with only things provided by Mother Nature, wanted more. They lived in Socialist Matriarchal Communities that, under Marxist speculation, should have bred out any remnant of greed long before white man came to their shores. When the white man showed them shiny knifes and horses, they wanted them. Millennia of living within the food chain had not extinguished the fire of wanting more than they had. Call the white man thieves, but a lot of land was simply traded for the fruits of capitalism. (I also know a lot of treaties were broken, and I applaud the current efforts to make today’s government honor them.)
The Nike controversy is a big one for the neo-socialists. Somehow because a pair of Nikes sell for ten times what they cost to make, Nike is exploiting workers. What these protesters don’t understand is that Nike doesn’t sell shoes. Nike sells an ornament, the famous Nike swoosh. You can get a pair of shoes that are almost identical in construction and country of origin to Nike for about twenty-three bucks at Pay-Less Shoes. Subtract the cost of shipping, labor, and materials; you find that the middlemen make a modest profit on the shoes, a profit which only the most hard-core Socialists would oppose. The difference between a pair of Nikes and pair of Pay-Less, is the value of the swoosh. Workers don’t share in the big profits, because they don’t manufacture the swoosh. The swoosh is fabricated by workers like Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Brett Favre, and the advertising companies who employ them. And their multi-million dollar pay is right in line with the value they add to the shoe.
Despite the cries of exploitation, nobody ever talks to the workers. In every Nike bashing article I have ever read, I never heard of a worker being interviewed. Comparing working conditions with what we have in the United States is invalid. Comparing living conditions with what they were before the plant was built is far more realistic. From what I understand, rural folk from all over Indochina flock to the cities where Nike plants are, with hopes they can get one of those valued jobs. Apparently most of the workers at these plants are grateful to work for Nike; it is a far cry better than the acrid rice paddy they squatted in before the plant was built.
The reason why workers in Indochina are happy to work for pennies an hour is that the middle class there is not much better off. As the rich get richer the expectations of the poor travel upwards with them. Poverty in nineteenth century America meant starvation, disease and hypothermia. The poorest Americans now have luxuries that were unattainable just a hundred years ago. Eighty percent of households living below the poverty line own automobiles. Things like telephones, electricity, indoor plumbing, and central heating are now considered bare necessities to live in the United States, and the poverty line is based to afford these necessities. One hundred years ago, these things were considered luxuries of the rich. Two hundred years ago, even the worlds richest didn’t have such luxury. With this great evidence, the trickle down theory is proven.
The poverty line is an arbitrary measure, set by people who benefit from exaggerating the plight of the poor. It is continually adjusted upward to insure that about 20% of all Americans live underneath it. If poverty is defined as starvation, disease, and hypothermia, statistics change. Most people die in this country from things like heart attacks and cancer as opposed to contagious ailments, hunger or cold.
Modern health care has increased life expectancy in the United States from 75.8 years in 1995 to 76.1 years in 1996, more than double the figure that existed when the country was founded. Things like malaria, leprosy and cholera are unheard of under the umbrella of capitalism. Disease has given way to just wearing out. Polio has been essentially eradicated worldwide; it only remains in Algeria, Pakistan, Zaire and Sudan. Socialist Governments are incapable of protecting their own children from FDR’s Disease.
Nobody starves to death in America either. I’ve been over this one many times. As long as there are stray animals, food rotting in warehouses, and Federal Subsidies to curb agriculture, you know there is no shortage of food in this country. If anyone were to starve to death in America, It would be headline news coast to coast. In fact, the only places left in the world where famine still exists are North Korea and Africa, the last bastions of Socialism.
Fewer than three in one million Americans freeze to death every winter. By the Starvation-Disease-Hypothermia theory of poverty, one might conclude that fewer than 0.0003% of all Americans live in true poverty.
Then what are Socialists complaining about? When Marx published the Communist Manifesto in 1848, true poverty could still be found in America. I’d bet if you had asked Karl if the poor should never have to worry about hunger, disease, and cold, he would say that was all he was trying to do. By the SHD standard, capitalism has already eliminated poverty. The central planning that was once only a comforting dream to Karl, has perpetuated the problem.
It is clear that the poverty line is not geographically or historically relevant. The poor in this country are better off than most of the world, and richer than the middle classes of previous generations. Since poverty is based on the difference between rich and poor, the only way we can eliminate it completely, is to insure that everybody has exactly the same. Socialists will tell you they only want to give the most unfortunate a little dignity, but the truth is, they want to eliminate the upper and middle classes. They might suggest they want to eliminate the upper and lower classes, but the poverty of Eastern Europe would indicate otherwise. When you consider that the simple Nike swoosh is a one hundred dollar ornament, you can envision what a bleak colorless nation we would need to realize their Utopia.
There is an emotion more deadly than greed and that is envy. The ancient Israelites recognized the danger of envy and wrote a couple passages forbidding it into the commandments. Some would say this order came directly from God. Surprisingly, there is no commandment against greed.
Envy is the predominant emotion of Socialism. The plight of the poor does not elicit as much emotion from a Socialist as the luxury of the rich. It is not empathy for the impoverished but hatred of the wealthy that fuels their revolution. Right now, Microsoft founder Bill Gates is testifying before a Congressional Tribunal, facing the charges of making billions of dollars, without contributing to the campaigns any political candidates. It is sort of reverse McCarthyism, punishing Bill for not belonging to any Party. Socialists don’t want Bill Gates money as much as they just don’t want him to have it. If you can’t make me rich, at least make him poor!
If we were to kill Bill Gates and divide his wealth among ourselves, we would each get about 64 dollars. In the meantime, I am using one of his products to type up this newsletter. If I had to do it on an old typewriter, or god forbid, longhand, the chore would monumental, the typesetting cost-prohibitive. How much difference would the sixty four bucks mean to anyone? Sixty four dollars isn’t enough to support a Nike manufacturing employee for a year. I am more than content to let Bill keep my sixty four bucks. A live Bill Gates is better for us all.
It was ironic that Hillary Clinton was touring the former Soviet Union while I was arguing up in Minnesota. She visited a State orphanage in a former Soviet Block country. The world was aghast at the pictures of orphaned children, as gaunt as concentration campers, naked from poverty, covered with festering sores and crowded into a facility with no furniture. The First Lady was “speechless”. Of course she was. For the first time in her life, Hillary came face to face with her “Village” and the children who live there. This is what happens when a large central government takes over the processes better left to the private sector.
I would like to contrast those pictures with a tour of Boys Town, a real life American orphanage first mentioned by Newt Gingrich, and mocked by the press as nothing more than Depression Era Hollywood Fiction. Boys Town is near Omaha Nebraska and home to an average of 550 children. It was founded by in 1917 by a Roman Catholic priest, Father Flanagan, and receives no Federal Funding. It is open to all children regardless of race, creed, or (since 1970) gender. Event though it was founded by a priest, no attempt is made to convert the children to Catholicism. !7,000 of America’s most troubled children have passed through this incorporated “Village”(circa. 1936) which to this day has no fences or locked doors.
The average resident has been abused, out of school for two to three years, and reads at a third or fourth grade level. Forty percent are on parole. Despite these bleak statistics, 84% of the kids leave with a high school diploma. 80% are able to fit into society, staying out of trouble and off welfare. All this proves Father Flanagan’s initial speculation that “There is no such thing as a bad boy.” The children live in groups of up to eight in family units on the 1300 acre community. Married couples live with the kids and earn 30K per year for their efforts. The cost per child is $125 per day, which compares highly favorably to the National average of government child care which can cost up to $400 daily. Its no wonder people who drone on about the cold cruelty of Capitalism would like to think this place is fiction.
These homes are places where a lot of unfortunate children get to see a loving home for the very first time. The funding comes mostly from private donations and the dividends of a Foundation Fund started by Flanagan and now worth $500 million. It is just one example how the private sector provides love, support, and empathy for others. It stands as a dark contrast to the bleak forbidding government run children’s programs that seem incapable of producing anything more than the future prisoners of America.
Some Socialists will complain that I’m referring to Communism, which is an inferior substitute for Socialism. Well lets take a look at our “Progressive” neighbor to the North, the Peoples Republic of Canada, and how they take care of children. Recently, the surviving members of the World Famous Dionne Quints filed suit against the Compassionate Province of Ontario. When the Dionne Quints were born sixty three years ago, before modern fertility drugs made huge litters commonplace, the world marveled. Seeing a great opportunity to fund the expanding government during the depression, the Province seized the children from their home, and claimed the weren’t receiving adequate care. Out of compassion, Ontario built Quint Land, a facility where tourists from all over the world could watch these fascinating creatures in a natural habitat. The Provincial theme park raised over 500 million dollars (an ironically identical amount to the Boys Town Fund), 22 million of which was supposed to provide the children with college education and help their transition back into the wild once they were set free.
The lawsuit was filed, when the surviving members decided that the monthly $746 general assistance they were receiving from the government wasn’t adequate. The remaining quints estimated they had received only $160 thousand each from the park; a pittance when you consider they were performing three shows a day for nine and a half years. They demanded a little of the initial $22 million trust fund that Ontario claimed could not be found as it was used up in administrative costs.
How could anyone ever delude themselves that the State cares more about children than private individuals. Government is incapable of compassion, and the more disposable income left in the hands of charitable donors, the more civil our society will become. The cold cruelty that Socialists accuse Capitalists of having, actually exists in the government programs they champion. Just another example of leftist hypocrisy. They accuse us of being racist and sexist, but they will never let me forget that I am a “white male.” They accuse us of being Nazis, but they forget that Nazi is a German contraction for National Socialist.
I tried to explain the failures of Socialism to the kids at the table. I started by laying out the devastation their ideas have caused in Europe. The Median Income of Europe is now below the United States poverty line. We have arrived at a point where the income Americans call unlivable is what the average European exists on. “Are you including Eastern Europe,” they asked me? Should that matter? If socialism is truly the answer, shouldn’t Eastern Europe be better off than the West?
To prove my point, I speculated that the poverty line bottomed out at around 18K, because that is the average income of an American Welfare Recipient. They called me brainwashed for believing these statistics, that were obviously made up by the White Male Cabal that controls the media. One by one we added up each benefit . The woman that was screaming at me knew them to some degree of accuracy, as she had been receiving a plethora of entitlements during her motherhood. (Surprise) It took quite some time to add up all the benefits as she kept calling me cold and heartless to even think of calculating the total. AFDC: $300/month, food stamps: $400/month, Section 8 housing allowance: $500/month. We had arrived at $14,400/year without even considering heating assistance, free phone service or the health care that is provided by various state and private agencies. I felt that was a little light but nobody would relent any further. Hey wait a minute, What about taxes? The $14.4K is untaxed, and probably equivalent to a pre tax income of at least $18,000.
“You can’t count that!”
“No, I can’t. But you can. Didn’t you already tell me that a ‘Corporate’ tax break is identical to welfare?”
They didn’t like that I proved my point using their own numbers. They started calling me “hateful and ugly” again.
“Look, if Socialism worked, Africa would be paradise,” I began.
“Oh, now were going to have to listen to racism!”
“It has nothing to do with race.”
“Excuse me, the majority of Africa is African American!”
“What?”
“I mean the majority of Africa is African”
“Isn’t it all African?”
“No, there are a lot of White People there.”
“Are you saying I can’t talk about African Politics because I’m White?
“Well at least you know what you are!” someone said snippily from the end of the table. My old friend that originally invited me to sit with her friends had finally turned against me.
“I’d like you to try and pretend that they’re not black people, just people. Africa is the earth’s most sparsely populated continent, and the richest in natural resources. It is also dominated by Socialist Governments. By your estimation it should be the wealthiest. Contrarily it is rife with squalor.”
“That’s because the Capitalists of the world have stolen their wealth,” my nemesis proudly announced.
“What are you talking about?” I couldn’t remember the last time I heard about Fortune 500 Conquistadors looting and pillaging the gilded temples of Ethiopia. I don’t recall ATT Pirate ship blockading treasure clippers from the port of Abidjan. “Where is this wealth you refer to?”
She was excited. She was getting the opportunity to recite a piece of dogma she had shared often. Many were the nights she stayed up late with her friends drinking herbal tea, listening to Minnesota Public Radio, and speculating on the nature of economics. She pushed back her shoulders, lifted her chin, and authoritatively stated, “Wealth comes from the SPIRIT!”
I couldn’t resist the opportunity. I leaned over the table so my face was inches from hers. “AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Boy are you stupid and ignorant! AH HA HA HAHHHHHH!!!”
Her face fell. Her chin wiggled a bit and her eyes welled up with tears. She sniffed, wiped her nose and spit back at me, “Misogynist PIG!”
If chain is only as strong as its weakest link, the Federal Government is only as strong as the President’s zipper. Who could have guessed that a President elected in spite of Gennifer Flowers, would be destroyed by the trio of Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, and Kathleen Willey. These three women have rendered the last Democratic Presidency a moot point. Our Liberty will be spared as Clinton spends the last years of Democratic rule denying allegations. He might survive the maelstrom, but his political mandate has been rendered as impotent as his dog Buddy.
The part I find annoying is that the First Lady has been negligent of
her duties. Part of the reason that we have almost always elected
a married president is, that we want to be sure where Patriot One is hangered
at all times. The man is inches from the magic button and Nuclear
Winter 24 hours a day. A terrorist with a tooth-lock on the president’s
joystick could hold the world hostage.
And I don’t think the weasel would refuse either. Everything the man has ever done has been about self-preservation. I have to laugh at people that have bought into his “I feel your pain” crap. From the time he skipped out of Viet-Nam to putting the Democratic Party in bankruptcy, it has all been to advance his career. There has not been one special interest group he hasn’t sold out on to avoid negative publicity. He abandoned his attempt to allow gays in the Military and signed a law forbidding them to be Married. He flipped off the unions and signed NAFTA into law. He originally balked at giving us the tax cut that was part of his original campaign promises, but changed his mind two years later when the Republicans swept Congress on the same promise. And look what he did to the Feminysts: The first Womyn’s President used the opportunity of a volunteer crying on his shoulder to cop a feel. Apparently that’s where her pain was. Turns out that the Womyn’s President is a bigger pig than a lot of us “right wingers.”
Thus ends the era of sexual harassment. Notice the silence from the Feminysts over the (Sgt. Major) Gene McKinney decision. It turns out that the Feminysts were faking their hysterics over sexual harassment all along. They were pretending it was a crime, simply for political gain. Apparently only a Republican can sexually harass; if you’re Pro-Choice, well have your fun with her. Just another example of the Left sacrificing an individual for the “common good.” Kathleen Willey was a loyal Democrat, contributing thousands of dollars, and working long hours for no money, but she will now be trashed by the Party to protect a sexual predator with a “progressive” record. They will say everything a witness in defense of a rapist says, from “she’s making it up” to “she probably wanted it.”
How ironic that the final Democratic President was hung by rope spun by the Party. Even if the discoveries were part of a “Vast Right Wing Conspiracy” as the First Womyn suggested, the road map was written by the Left. Independent councils were pioneered by Democrats, as was sexual harassment witch-hunting. It is true that in the realm of impeachable offenses, encouraging a little mistress to commit perjury in a civil suit is relatively minor. But so was the cover-up that Richard Nixon attempted. Its triviality didn’t stop young Hillary Rodham from typing up impeachment papers with vindictive glee. The pestilence of sexual harassment suits we are now under was started by a group of Democrats, trying to keep Clarance Thomas of the Supreme Court bench. Clarence Thomas made a remark about a hair on a coke can, he didn’t show it to her, or ask for a kiss. Now women routinely get multi-million settlements for nothing more than overhearing dirty jokes by the water cooler. The Feminysts have turned the workplace into cloisters the Puritans would have found prudish. Bob Packwood was axed for nothing more than trying to kiss and hug his female staffers. I think his problem was; he’s an ugly old man. If he were as cute as Bill Clinton, it would have been considered his own personal business.
The notion of his personal business really irritates me. Why is Bill Clinton entitled to any privacy whatsoever? He was on top of recent work by the FBI to install new wire tapping systems that would allow agents to monitor 100,000 telephone conversations simultaneously. His two terms have been littered with attempts to regulate every aspect of our lives, from forcing us to buy televisions with V-Chips, to the Global Climate treaty; mandating how much we drive, or how warm we keep our homes. He ordered FBI files on two thousand Republicans, and Paula Jones was suspiciously served an IRS audit shortly after she refused to settle out of court.
And what about his dog’s personal business? I can think of no other presidential pet that issued press releases on the event of sterilization. Buddy is within the most secure compound in the United States. Unless the Secret Service smuggles in bitches in heat, Buddy can cause no unwanted puppies. But his master had him neutered; and for the first time in history, it was made into a media event. I think Buddy’s manhood was sacrificed to appease the National Organization of Womyn. Bill obviously wanted to prove he wasn’t too macho to correct a genetic error. He should have turned it into a doggy Bris, and cut it off in front of a crowd of cheering Feminysts. He could have yelled Mazeltov as he tossed the offending organs over his shoulder like a wedding bouquet.
Do I care if our fearless leader had an intern attending to his most personal needs? Monica is a comely lass with a big gummy smile and a powerful neck. She looks a little like Loonette, star of PBS Big Comfy Couch. All she needs is a red nose and pig tails and she would be a dead ringer. What Monica is admitting to, and what the President appears to be guilty of by his selective denials, is called Sodomy, and illegal in many states. There are people who have spent time in jail for doing what the President seems to have done. It is what you call a victimless crime.
A victimless crime occurs when consenting adults engage in an activity that others find repulsive. In an effort to curb such repulsion, the activity is outlawed with the mistaken notion that its illegality will make people stop doing it. Sodomy, prostitution, gambling and marijuana smoking are just a few victimless crimes that have caused people to lose life and liberty for engaging into. I believe that as long as there is no one jailed in Federal Prisons for victimless crimes why not give him a pass. Unfortunately that’s not the case. 2.1 million Marijuana users have been arrested since Bill Clinton took office. There are people that will be in Federal Prisons the rest of their lives for Marijuana crimes. That will teach them to inhale.
It should be no surprise that the man who is able to breathe magnificent promises into America’s ear was able to talk little girls down to their knees. I’d love to hear the promises he made to Monica. “Well I can’t leave her right now. Believe me I’ve tried. I worked harder on getting that divorce than I’ve ever worked before. There’s no time for that right now. I have to do the job the people of America sent me here to do. You have my solemn promise, as soon as my term is over, I’m going to divorce her and you and I will run off together. That’s right, just you, me, and twenty or so secret service men on an island in the Mediterranean.”
I came back to my motel room one night to find the TV already on. I opened the door to see that someone was already sitting at the table. Thinking I had accidentally walked into the wrong room, I made a quick apology and pulled the door closed. That’s when I recognized who it was in my room. I threw the door back open and glared at my Guardian Angel.
“Look man, I don’t mind you following me around the country, but I think breaking in is a little invasive!”
“Sorry, it couldn’t be helped. I’ve got a hotel room down in Kalamazoo, but it was getting too cold outside to wait for you. I hope this makes up for any inconvenience.” He held up a bottle of Jim Beam, and started pouring a generous portion over a motel glass full of ice.
“So this isn’t an official call”
“Oh, it’s as official as they come. Just the last one of the night, and between you and me, I know you won’t be any trouble.”
“Now what am I being checked up on for?’
“Just routine. We always do a quick check of all potential trouble-makers before we start into a war.”
“What??”
“Oh don’t looked so shocked. I was at your first show. You said right there on stage that the whole Monica Lewinsky thing was nothing more than a right wing conspiracy to get Clinton to bomb Iraq. Does it surprise you that sometimes your speculations are dead on?”
“I thought we had a United Nations Treaty?”
“We do for a little while. After the incident in Columbus, we have to pretend we’d exhausted all options. We can’t afford to get into another unpopular war like Viet-Nam. The people start getting too suspicious, and it’s hard to manage a country like that. There’s no big hurry anyway. Now that Jim McDougal is out of the way...”
“He was murdered?”
“You know better than to ask questions like that. He had a heart attack. A terribly convenient heart attack while in seclusion at a Federal facility, and the Federally supervised autopsy proved it.”
“So you don’t think Saddam will let inspectors into the bomb facilities?”
“Naw, we could care less about that. We’re all going to miss that guy. We’ve never had such a perfect enemy. Just threaten him a little and he comes on TV spewing obscenities about the Great Satan. The guy is so proud, arrogant, and defiant, he’ll go to his grave shaking his fist at us. He makes a great pop-up target to use whenever necessary.
“You know why all the UN inspectors have been coming up empty handed? ‘Cause he doesn’t have a thing. There are no biological weapons. Unless you consider the Baghdad Waste Treatment plant. That darn thing is in such bad shape that one little earthquake tremor could plunge the place into a dysentery outbreak unheard of since the middle ages. Old Saddam is so broke, even his family has been going to bed hungry. If we just waited a year or so the whole country would collapse. That’s what we’d rather do. Its a lot safer that way. The best way to prevent terrorism tomorrow, is to not blow up people’s grandparents today.”
Well I’m sure you’ll all be very happy...”
Hey come on, you think we like war? We thought we could go through a whole presidency without one. Unfortunately, that bitch had different plans.”
“Monica?”
“No, her mother. Monica didn’t have much ambition beyond getting a Ph.D. in theater, through oral examination. Her mother had different plans. She always wanted to be a best selling author, but just never clicked. When she found out her ex-husband had donated thousands to the DNC, and never even attended a White House Coffee; the wheels started turning. If she could convince Monica, to convince her dad, to call in the favor; she could get the little slut within a lipstick case of the President. What a marvelous insider view of the White House her daughter could get her. She’ll be lucky if she lives to publish her book now.”
“So Marcia Lewis broke the story?”
“Not exactly. She had an interest in keeping the affair secret as long as possible. The longer the affair, the thicker the book. It was all laid out except for one thing she didn’t expect. Her daughter fell in love with him. Monica, the girl who had been tossing away old men like used kleenex since high school, fell for one. Vernon Jordan got her that job at the Pentagon shortly after she took a swing at the First Lady“
“What?”
Well Monica spent the night once, which is strictly against the First Lady’s policy of no overnight bimbos. Hillary came into Bill’s room to brief him on the day’s activities and found the two off them all curled up together. ‘Dammit Bill!” she screamed, ‘Let the air out of her, dump her in the plastics bin, and get yourself cleaned up. I want you hosed off, in my office, and ready for work in forty five minutes! Since when have you been into plus-sizes anyway?’ Well Monica went ballistic. She shrieked at her and flew out of the bed, fingernails first. The First Lady wheeled around and grabbed her by the throat like a panther plucking a bird out of a tree and hissed. ‘Try that again and you’re sleeping with the Kennedys!’
“So they sent her down to the Pentagon to try and buy her off. She realized she had just been tossed, and that’s when she got vindictive. Pretty bold for a little girl. She even put a bunch of documents in a safe deposit box, and left a key with an attorney in case something happened to her.”
“Where did Linda Tripp come in?”
“At that point, we really didn’t care who broke the damn thing. Monica’s demands for silence were getting bigger and bigger, and we had to put a stop to it. Vernon did everything short of making the First Lady a spokes-model to get the girl that job at Revlon. Kind of convenient anyway. We had Charlie Trie and Bruce Babbit to clean up anyway. So we’re going to take care of everything while the country is busy tying yellow ribbons and waving flags. One big flush while everyone is preoccupied. If there’s one thing that will take the country’s mind off scandal, it’s worrying that you might never see your son or father again. Within 24 hours of the first wave of bombers, your going to get a couple pardons and Ken Starr’s dismissal, because the president will have more “urgent” things to attend. Lets not squabble over sordid details when our boys overseas need us most!”
“Isn’t that a little wrong, asking soldiers to cover his butt, when he refused to do it for them when his number was up?”
“That’s the beauty of the system. Some men go to war, and some men let other men to go to war. You can always find people volunteering for both positions. Hold up a flag and ask in a crowd if anyone would rather die than see me touch the ground with it. I guarantee you’ll have a sizable group willing to be shot right there just to keep the thing from getting soiled. A lot of these guys think the Presidency is as great an American symbol as the Eagle or Statue of Liberty. I really think you’d lose respect for us if we didn’t use those guys like this.”
I handed him my glass for a refill. “Better make this one a double, man.”
A regular feature of this newsletter where I will actually answer
your questions. E-Mail RevHdqrtrs@AOL.com. For a confidential
reply, hire a therapist and keep it to yourself. This is a comedy
rag dammit, and if you need me to straighten out your life, you're
already further gone than you suspect.
Hey Slagle,
My family is one of the most respected in all of America. If I told you my name, you would most certainly recognize it. I’ll wager you’ve played “What were you doing when you found out my Uncle died” at parties, and I know you’ve heard of my father, but let’s just call him Bobby Smith for the sake of privacy. The trouble is, that lately we haven’t been getting the respect our parent’s generation had. My only surviving Uncle is a drunken parody of the family’s original majesty. My cousins are all ridiculous children, selling their families treasures like filthy suburban garage vendors, raping trollops, and posing naked. The press has been merciless, and so starved for scandal, they broke the story of my mistress/baby-sitter. No reporter would have ever dreamed of publicizing our family tradition of concubinery in generations past. We all have political ambitions, and are looking forward to the power our good name should have granted us before the tragedy of 1968, but I fear all the negative publicity might be a hindrance. Any suggestions?
A Massachusetts Yankee From King Arthur’s Court
Dear Yank,
Your father was brilliant with setting up the photo-ops. I think you might do well imitating some of the glory days. Why not try and hold one of the famous, family touch-football games. You’ll have to market it to the future voters of America though, the Mountain Dew generation. Give the game a Nineties twist. If you could play it while you were skydiving or skateboarding, or something like that; you could get some great video footage to rival the best Super 8 movies your father ever took.
See you at the poles! (I mean polls)
Slagle
New York API New York Legislators declared victory today in finalizing the re-draw of the first congressional district. For the first time in history a district has been drawn with the sole intention of being populated by a majority of children. Advocates for Children claim that for the first time, a seat in the House of Representatives will represent children’s interests. Hopefully this will bring attention to issues like pre-school and health care, but polling data suggests the district is more concerned by bedtimes, curfews, and legislation requiring all networks to carry at least one hour of MTV a day.
The most detailed re-draw in history had to be executed by high speed computers, as district lines must go through houses and avoid parents bedrooms. The nature of the district will change as children grow up and move into their parents basements, but expectations are that the district should be held by a majority of children until the next presidential election at least. An oversight has arisen however, as there will be nobody in the district actually old enough to vote. Until the residents of the district reach the age of majority, a representative will have be appointed. Speculation is that longtime Children’s Advocate, Hillary Rodham-Lang, is interested in the seat.
Opponents have already filed suit challenging the constitutionality of the re-draw. Senior Congressman “B-2” Bob Dornan appeared at a news conference with a copy of the new district map with all its squiggly lines. He referred to it as a” “Psychedelic nightmare on acid. I’ve heard of Gerrymandering, this is the first time I’ve seen Jerry Garcia-mandering,” he explained to reporters.
“I don’t know what the Republicans have against the children,” stated Secretary of Children Barbara Streisand. “Anytime we try and do something good for children, (cont. on A26)
Recipe of the Month: Green Chili
Last month, there were a lot of complaints about my pork roast recipe. A lot of people thought I should have had a chicken recipe instead, as chicken is healthier. In response, I would like to offer this month’s recipe, a fabulous pork chili. As a lo-fat substitute, try using veal. Most chilies use ground dried ancho chiles for the pepper base. For a fresher flavor, I substituted roasted Poblanos, which are fresh green anchos. Green bell peppers may substitute, although they won’t be as spicy. I also use tomatillos in the sauce for an authentic Latin flavor. If your grocer does not carry tomatillos, you may substitute 1 1/2 cups mild green salsa.
8 Poblano chiles ( 6 Green Bell Peppers)
2 lbs Pork ( a roast will work) cubed
1 tsp cooking oil
1 Med Onion Chopped
6 Tomatillos
1 TBS Olive oil
5 cloves garlic
2 cups chicken Stock
1 1/2 tsp Cumin Powder
1 can Beer
1 1/2 tsp Oregano
4 cups cooked great northern beans (2 cans)
1 1/2 tsp Sugar
4 1/2 oz. can chopped black olives
1/2 tsp salt
8 oz sour cream
dash black pepper
1 dozen corn tortillas or bag of corn chips
Brush peppers with vegetable oil. Bake in 375 oven for about an hour turning occasionally. Place in paper bag and allow to cool. Sauté onion in olive oil until slightly browned. When peppers have cooled, rinse under cold water. Remove seeds and stem, peel off most of transparent skin. Place in blender with salt, sugar, garlic, cumin oregano, pepper, and chicken stock. Remove skins from tomatillos. put in blender with other ingredients Puree for a couple minutes. Pour into crock pot with pork, onions, and beer. Cook on low for at least six hours, the longer it cooks the more tender the meat becomes. I sometimes simmer my chili for 24 hours or more. Add olives and beans, and stir in sour cream 1/2 hour before serving. Toast tortillas over open gas flame or on hot iron skillet turning frequently, roll and serve on side.
Happy 1998 everyone. Hopefully with this issue the National returns to the quarterly publication it was originally intended to be. Already it’s been almost five months since the last one, so maybe not. Anyway, 1998 should be a great year for fans and foes alike.
The Mudslingers Ball is going on the road. For my new subscribers, comic James Inman (a flaming Socialist), and I argued onstage for a week last July in Minneapolis. We called it “the Mudslingers Ball,” and it was taped as a potential television pilot. We had so much fun, that we’ve decided to pack up the show and take it on the road. Right now we’re in negotiations for a couple venues with more to follow. First on the agenda will be Seattle at the fabulous Comedy Underground the first weekend in May. This is the club where our initial argument occurred, so it’s fitting that we should perform the first road Ball there. See the gig information below for more details. (BTW James just won the San Francisco Comedy Competition Congrats!)
Nation of Criminals is ready to re-shoot. I will be repeating my very sought after performance including the ever popular flag-burning bit in Minneapolis in May and taping it for distribution. I apologize to all my Chicago fans for my inability to find a competent film crew the first time around. That was truly the best show I’d ever had which is probably why the sound was screwed up. I’ve always had a theory about video cameras and agents jinxing performances. If there’s one or the other in the showroom, I’ll bomb. If I don’t bomb, the camera’s not working, or the agent isn’t paying attention. If demand for the Chicago tape is high enough I may someday put it into a bootleg release, but for now, lets just say its gone. Expect to see the new tape available by July 4th.
Chicago Gigs As of this release I have two Downtown Zanies appearances
on the books. (Actually, I am now headlining at all Chicago Zanies
locations now, so pick the location closest to you.) The first will
coincide nicely with the release of this newsletter April 16-19.
October will bring me to the Downtown Zanies for a month of shows with
Yours Truly as the condescending host. Zanies and I are putting together
a full month of great pre-election shows to commemorate my last stand as
a freak comic.
That’s right folks I’m changing the look. I’ve thought for a
long time that Mick Jagger is a tad pathetic; a grandfather of almost 60
still wearing spandex and fringe. Not to mention that hairpiece.
(How come all the aging rock stars have bangs?) I decided that in
order to prevent myself from becoming such a caricature, I’ve got to set
a point to start aging. I think I’m way overdue, so I decided that
point for me will be my fortieth birthday. Since it is a milestone
that the most shrewd bookmaker would not have taken a bet. on, I cannot
mourn the passing of my youth. I’ve carried the torch further than
most of my peers. As I move into the second half of my life I intend
to cast off the trappings of childhood and prepare for the years of golf,
cards, and lengthy discussions of bowel movements. Already I’m finding
comfort in the music of my youth, and hereby declare that all music made
after my fortieth birthday will be outright noise. I’ve already quit
smoking, pulled out the earrings and sold my leather jacket. I expect
to shear the dreadlocks at Luau 98, no word as to what I intend to do with
them. I might hold an essay contest, 500 words or less, topic: “Why
the hell would I want them?”
Have a Happy Easter a safe passover, a good Friday, an unforgettable
Memorial Day, a nurturing Mother’s and Father’s Day, a never wavering
Flag Day and a green 4/20. Don’t forget to drive to the park
and litter it up for Earth Day. Look for the next issue sometime
this summer.
Taxes now claim a greater share of the median family’s budget than food, clothing housing, and transportation combined.
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