THE ELECTRONIC NATIONAL
an online version of the Tim Slagle newsletter
vol. II #1 Forecast: COLDER
THE ELECTRONIC NATIONAL
an online version of the Tim Slagle newsletter
vol. II #1 Forecast: COLDER
Contents:
I was always believed that the death of a royal, whether by firing squad, on a guillotine, or at the end of a rusty pitchfork was an event to be celebrated by the common folk. I was amazed at the way so many people in this country reacted at the “Death of the Century”. Royalty represents the worst of everything I oppose. The very notion that certain people, by the nature of their birth have the God given right to rule over others is so abhorrent, that a lot of good men gave their lives to banish it from this country. I have worked to tear down any vestigial royalty we still have in this country, and didn’t expect we would start borrowing it from abroad.
At
least in this country your royalty has to be earned, whether it be through
making a billion dollars, slam dunking, starring in a great action picture,
or getting a majority of votes. Very few people in this country are
royal by birthright. And those who are born into it, usually waste
it. The Kennedy Dynasty is the modern House of Usher. It was
built on the corruption of Papa Joe, flaunted through the days of Camelot,
and trashed by Teddy and the Grandkids. If Jack and Jacquelyn were
true royalty, John-John would have been taking the oath of office instead
of posing naked in his crummy little tabloid.
European royalty is built on centuries of the blood and sweat of peasantry. Some people feel that things have changed, but not really. The Windsors still receive millions of pounds annually from the taxpayers of England. If you’re an Englishman, you are obliged to contribute a little of your annual income to your Queen. Just a little perk for being a loyal subject. Queen Elizabeth is still the head of the Anglican church, and is second only to God in deciding who gets to go to Anglo Heaven. Although they have bowed out of politics, it would only take a decree to restore The Monarchy to power as England has no written constitution, no right to bear arms, and the military still swears their allegiance to the Crown. Northern Ireland’s long struggle for independence stresses the futility of opposing the British military.
Diana was not so far removed from the fray either. The House of Spencer is one of the most noble in England, dating back to the 1400s. It is quite possible that a few of our continent’s first settlers had relatives whose intestines were pulled out in public by one of Diana’s relatives for refusing to worship the correct religion. Diana, much like Bill Clinton, was a product of the Media. Nobody ever saw the castle she grew up in until she was buried along side of it. She is probably the only “commoner” to grow up on a 550 acre estate. The Spencer family is actually more noble than the Windsors, and she regularly taunted Charles over that. I know that everyone thought he was the jerk, but not only did he give her a divorce, she got to keep the palace, the tiara, and the tittle. Any wife of a future king that showed such disrespect to the throne in times past wouldn’t have a place to wear the crown.
You would think that our press, who is always battling against “Class Warfare” would be just as repulsed by a caste system anywhere. When Prince Charles had to get married, he didn’t go looking for a bride in the slums of Manchester. There were only a few families worthy of accepting the Royal Bratwurst. Much like the Cinderella story, the Spencer’s stepmother offered Diana’s eldest sister first, although she wanted nothing to do with Prince Chumley. A strange custom of royalty, the future princess had to be a provable virgin (Diana’s older sister probably didn’t qualify). Which meant that her wicked stepmother probably kept Di away from gymnastics, horses and boys her entire childhood on the chance the Prince’s favor might be bestowed upon her.
A problem occurs when the gene pool is kept that shallow, aberrations occur. Look at the legendary mutations of the Ozarks and Appalachians to get an idea what I’m talking about. I’ve heard there is a well guarded asylum somewhere in rural England where the unintended monsters of the Royal Family are kept out of the eye of the public. Anyone who really believed that Diana couldn’t avoid the press should do a little research into this place. The Spencers themselves were inbred worse than cocker spaniels. They regularly had to be put down due to hip dysplasia. People always thought Diana was curtseying when she met someone. Actually she was getting too excited and wetting herself.
I don’t see how her life was dedicated to helping others either. She had earrings worth more than the gross national product of some of the countries she visited. She loved children and opposed cancer. Really! What a big heart she had! She really cares about us doesn’t she? Her recent trip to Chicago to raise money for breast cancer barely covered her expenses. Once the private plane, gowns, catering, limo service, and floor of the Drake Hotel was paid for, scarce was left for the cause she pretended to be working for. The fact that she was the first royal to touch an AIDS patient scoffs at the real work others less fabulous than herself did with the infirm. She could have done more to eliminate land mines by dancing through Bosnia wearing clown shoes and earplugs.
I don’t understand her work against land mines anyway. Let me get this straight. You can drop thermonuclear devices indiscriminately on the heads of women and children, inflicting a slow agonizing death on all those not fortunate enough to be vaporized in the initial blast, but you can’t bomb them from below. Such a British thing too, working to write the “rules” of war. If you remember your history, part of the reason we are not longer loyal to the crown, is our founding fathers had no respect for the “rules” of war, and hid behind rocks.
The notion of War Crimes is so thick with irony. It makes war sound more like a sporting event. Will we have United Nations referees with blue helmets and striped shirts?. Wait a minute, there’s a flag on the war. The war has been stopped with only three minutes left before the final Peace. The United Nations is blowing the whistle. This looks like a big setback for the Albanians. “Illegal use of land mines, nine yards. Offense” the war will stop while the UN paces off the penalty and both teams retrench the battle lines.
And then to blame the press for killing her. (Ironically, Tubby Elton John omitted the line “the press still hounded you” from the remake of his tired little seventies hit). If she had survived the car chase, those photos and the news of her engagement would have sold more tabloids than Elvis on Mars. She might have been a little responsible for her demise as she told the press that Dodi and herself would have a statement after dinner, then tried to skip out on them. Kind of like a stripper dancing in a Marine barracks and charging rape, or punishing a dog, for biting you when you tried to take the food dish from underneath his hungry snout.
Seeing how the press is solely responsible for the creation of American Royalty, you’d think our celebrities would be forever indebted to them. How dare people like Tom Cruise and Madonna criticize the press for being intrusive. Ellen DeGeneres even had the gall to accuse reporters of infringing on the privacy of celebrities. Ellen, the woman who made a career out of telling the world that she sleeps with Ann Hesche, wants her privacy. One month later ABC ran a disclaimer before her show, informing viewers that Ellen’s preference was about to be graphically portrayed. Ms. DeGeneres held a press conference the morning after to protest the disclaimer. I think she was actually miffed that the press didn’t make a bigger deal out of her first lesbian screen kiss.
The tabloids should fight back, and show these little tyrants who’s in charge. They could refuse to publish any photos of any celebrity that criticizes them for at least two years. Madonna would be so attention starved that she would be parading naked through Times Square with her baby, begging for someone to take her picture. Tom Cruise would get so worried his career was over, he would blow his entire fortune on E-Meter sessions at the Scientologist Clinic. Ellen would bring Ms. Hesche on Oprah for the first on camera insemination. What a grand circus we would have, watching the American Royals clawing at each other every time a video camera turned on.
In retrospect, the fatal crash was caused by a celebrity trying to separate itself from life support. The chauffeur couldn’t drive fast enough for her highness. I’ll bet the autopsy showed bruises on the back of the driver’s head that exactly match the pattern of the Princess’ handbag. Just as a queen bee will die if removed from the hive, a Royal died trying to elude her adoring public. Fitting isn’t it?
The Great San Francisco Perpetual Motion Machine
March brought me into San Francisco for a week at Cobb's, one of my
favorite clubs in the entire universe. I think I might have come
on a little strong with the anti-environmental stuff though. This
once Catholic city is now full of Orthodox Environmentalists. When
I tried to make sense out of the fact that Global “Warming” has actually
caused the planet to cool off over the past twenty years they looked down
on me for being a heathen. One has to be enlightened to understand
such a contradiction. Someone like myself that eats meat and doesn’t
recycle could never understand.
It would seem that San Francisco is presently swept up in a frenzy of environmental rapture. The City by the Bay is one of the handful of municipalities working on Sustainability Legislation. Sustainability is a new fad that assumes that the world is about to come to an end, and our only hope is to put our faith in an enormous government that would decide for us exactly how much of everything we need to survive. The United Nations Global Climate Treaty is the first phase of world wide Sustainability.
The “End Is Near” has been the universal jingle of cultism for thousands of years. Before there was Global Warming, there was Nuclear Holocaust fueling the cult of Woodstock. Before that, it was an angry God, before that, the gods were angry. When you can convince people that their time on earth is severely limited, you can get them to make incredible sacrifices. Giving away all ones worldly possessions is common. Some scriptures were written to counter “End of the World” Prophets. The story of Noah’s Ark was written to comfort Israelites that God would never flood the earth again, and the rainbow was the sign of His promise. This was a way to keep the Jews from joining cults every rainy season. The book of Revelations was written to assure early Christian doomsayers that the end was indeed near, but not before the next rent check was due.
We’ve seen a few doomsday cults here in the United States, the latest being Heavens Gate. Expect to see a lot more as the year 2000 approaches. The end of a cult usually occurs when a prediction made by their “messiah” fails to come true. At that point, “messiah” realizes he wasn’t really listening to the voice of God, just having delusions. In the eyes of the followers, he will see reality sinking in, and lead them into a mass suicide before they all wake up. There is nothing more terrifying to a cult leader than to have all his followers realize they are standing in a field without a penny to their names, and all their clothes are burning in the signal fire. Naked penniless suckers. At that point there’s a good chance their spiritual leader is going to die in a storm of fists anyway, so he might as well take the flock down with him. Imagine the strife of poor Marshall “Do” Applewhite when he realized the Spaceship wasn’t really there, the comet was leaving without them, and all the men had castrated themselves for nothing. Time to pass out the plastic bags and Valium.
What drive me nuts about Environmental Cultism is its ignorance of science. I actually overheard one local talking about the Famous San Francisco Cable Cars. “You know” he said, the Cable Car is the most energy efficient form of transportation in the world. There’s no pollution coming from a cable car. It doesn’t take gas or electricity. The oil companies bought cable car lines from all over the country and tore them up so we would have to buy cars and gas. The only reason we have them still in San Francisco is because we’re a progressive city.”
“Wait a minute, if they don’t use gas or electricity, how do they move?”
“We’ll there’s a cable moving under the ground, and the cars just latch onto the cable”
I didn’t think an underground moving cable was a natural phenomenon. “Well how does the cable move?”
“We’ll there’s cars all over the city locked onto the cable. When one car goes up a hill on one side of town, another car is coming down the hill on the other side. The car coming down pulls the other car up. It works on gravity.”
That didn’t seem quite right to me. A device that continues to run with no energy being put into it is called a perpetual motion machine. It is believed to exist despite the lack of evidence, much like Sasquatch or The Honest Lawyer. Anyone who stayed awake during High School Physics knows that the first law of thermodynamics prohibits taking more energy out of a system than you put in. Since no device can be truly frictionless, you have to always replace the energy burned up in friction to keep it moving. If you’ve ignored gas gauges as much as I, you know full well what happens when you stop putting energy into a system. People have applied for patents on perpetual motion machines all the time. They all seem to work on paper, and a few patents were even granted (government scientists!) Modern regulations now require a working model to be presented when a perpetual motion machine patent is applied for, and not a single working device has ever been presented.
A lot of environmentalists are just as gullible as government scientists, and believe in mechanical mythology; like the car that gets 1000 miles to the gallon, or the engine that runs on water. The only thing standing between us and Utopia is the evil corporations that have killed the inventors of these great devices and buried their technology. I’ve found a lot of environmentalists more than a little deficient in thermodynamics. Their solutions are closer to Alchemy than Chemistry I am amused by a group that considers themselves more “enlightened” than the general population, but seems to have about a Third Century science education. They talk about using alternatives to petroleum that don’t exist; their ultimate hope is we can legislate an alternative energy source into existence.
Some corporations have made attempts at alternative fuels, but still no solution is in sight. My favorite attempt is the electric car. Because you don’t see the emissions coming out of the power plant when you plug in an electrical device, people think electricity is environment friendly. We produce electricity by burning coal, gas, or uranium. Our Nation’s rivers are already over clogged with dams, so hydro-electricity is no longer an option. Solar cells are so inefficient, they have a hard time powering transistor radios. Don’t try and tell me that windmills are generating electricity either. If you’ve ever traveled a little west of Santa Rosa CA, you’ve seen the abandoned windmill farms. More than half of those things are now rusted solid and not turning. The only reason anyone ever put up a windmill was because the Carter Administration gave huge tax breaks to any one who tried to find an alternative energy source. Once the tax credit lapsed, windmill owners stopped maintaining them as they were highly unprofitable, and the energy produced negligible.
The reality is, most electricity is created by burning fossil fuel. Not only does this put carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, there are huge losses in transmitting the electricity from the power plant to your house. You have to burn three BTUs of coal to get one BTU of electricity. Therefore, an electric car would actually put three times the amount of greenhouse gasses into the atmosphere than your standard petroleum burning vehicle.
The Hydrogen vehicle is another oft cited option. The only emission from burning hydrogen is water so hydrogen is quite possibly the cleanest fuel source known to mankind. What its proponents don’t understand is that pure hydrogen does not occur naturally. Hydrogen is so unstable, that almost all the hydrogen on the planet is already been converted into water. There are no hydrogen reserves. To fuel a hydrogen engine, you first have to get the hydrogen out of the water by electrolysis. This actually takes more energy than you will get from burning the hydrogen, (second law of thermodynamics) and you still haven’t taken into account the 67% transmission loss to get the electricity from the power plant to the hydrogen plant.
The United Nations has worked out the Global Climate Treaty to limit the amount of greenhouse gasses that are put into the atmosphere every year. The United States would be required to cut Greenhouse Gas Emissions by 20% per year. People don’t realize what that would mean in their personal lives. Remember that ALL energy usage emits greenhouse gas. That includes electricity and firewood (even riding a bicycle emits greenhouse gas). Every time you turn on a light, watch television or heat your home you are emitting greenhouse gasses. If we were to cut our emissions by the 20%, every activity that uses energy would have to be cut by 20%. Houses would have to be 20% dimmer, and kept 20% colder in the winter.
And why would we make this sacrifice? For a doomsday theory that half of atmospheric scientists dispute. The evidence is far from conclusive. NASA Satellite data over the past 18 years actually shows a slight cooling of the earth. Even the proponents of Global Warming admit that the projected temperature increase would only be 3.6 degrees Fahrenheit over the next 150 years. Not necessarily the cataclysm you’ve heard.
If there is no evidence of global warming, why would the United Nations be forcing this treaty on us? Remember that the majority of the world’s nations are nowhere near as prosperous as we. Authoritarian governments have limited the economic progress of nations outside the United States border. Because we reward ingenuity with wealth in this country, we have attracted the brightest people in the world to our shores. Because we are home to the brightest people in the world, we have the wealthiest nation. The tyrannical regimes that make up the majority of the 166 United Nations are jealous of us. They support the Global Climate Treaty because it will hobble our economy, and make us live more like them. The “developing” countries will be immune from its regulations. In fact, 132 of the United Nations will be immune from the treaty. Look at it as a sort of Global Economic Redistribution. The UN climate proposal even requires financial compensation to smaller nations for economic damage incurred (never mind our economic damage; we can afford it). Kuwait for example will receive assistance from Uncle Sam for lost oil revenues. (Like they don’t already owe us their lives.) Sustainability is the latest word for Socialism, a notion that begins with the premise that individuals are incapable of making decisions for themselves.
I had to acquiesce that I couldn’t totally dispute the Perpetual Motion Theory of the Cable Car as I didn’t know how it actually worked. To enlighten myself, I made a trip to the Cable Car Museum, one of those marvelous little attractions that are never visited as they’re too boring for tourists, and too tourist for residents. Here’s what I learned, most all of the following facts can be verified by taking a trip there for yourself. The cable car was invented in 1871 by Andrew S. Hallidie, the son of a wealthy Englishman who owned the English patent for wire rope. Wire rope is a twisted steel cable with a core of manila (originally hemp) fiber. After an adolescent stint as a gold prospector, Hallidie the younger settled down and began manufacturing his father’s products. At one point, he actually had four wire rope factories along the Pacific coast.
The legend is: one day, while watching a horse cart struggle up one of the infamous San Francisco hills, Hallidie saw the horses lose their footing. He watched in horror as the trolley dragged the horses backwards to their death. There must be another way thought he. He picked up a pen and began to design a mechanical device to pull the trolleys up the hills. Thus the cable car was invented.
The cable car is not really a perpetual motion machine, the cable is spun around huge wheels, called sheaves, driven by four 400HP electric motors inside the Cable Car Museum. Of course the electricity has to be generated in a power plant outside of town. It’s easy to see that these two levels of separation would confuse people into thinking that cable cars were environment friendly. The cable moves out of the station and under the streets over an elaborate system of pulleys at a speed of 9.55 miles per hour.
Each cable car has two levers, one is a brake, and the other has a vise which pinches onto the cable. The vise doesn’t grab the cable quickly, as such a sudden start would be catastrophic. The car would accelerate from O - 9.55 instantaneously, and the subsequent G-force would render any passengers not tossed off the car into gelatin. Instead, the vise slowly pinches the cable, it slips through the vise, and brings the car up to speed as it is tightened. A layer of pine tar on the cable heats up from the friction, and lubricates the mechanism. If you’ve ever ridden a cable car you might have noticed the stench of something burning while it idled. That is because when the car is stopped, the cable is allowed to slip through the semi-tightened vise continuously, as it is a bit of a chore to pick up the cable once its released. The heat generated actually causes the tar to burn a little. This is much like slipping the clutch of a manual transmission to keep it on a hill. I’m sure there’s been some one in your life, a brother, father or boyfriend, who caught you slipping their clutch on a hill, told you to never ever do that again, it wrecks the clutch, and I’m sorry I hit you.
The slipping is pretty hard on the cable system too. The vises in the cars have to be rebuilt every four days. The cables don’t fare much better, they have to be replaced every 70- 130 days. And the cable is 100% non-recyclable. That’s right folks, “the most energy efficient form of transportation in the world” requires that over 39 miles of 1.78 inch wire rope be scrapped every year. That costs the city of San Francisco well over 4.1 million dollars per year. That cost doesn’t take into account the price and environmental damage caused from trucking the cable in and out of the city. Andrew Hallidie was quite a genius to sell these systems to cities, knowing they would keep his wire rope factories running three shifts indefinitely.
Not only is the cable expensive, the process of replacing it is time consuming. The cable has to be braided into an endless loop for the machinery to operate properly. Each braid is 96 feet long, and requires an eight man team a full five hours to complete. It is easy to see why most cities converted to busses, changing tires and an engine is less time consuming, cheaper, takes a lot less space in the landfill, and doesn’t have to be done as often.
By the thirties, almost every city in America had switched to low maintenance busses and electric trolleys. In 1941, San Francisco was the only city in America to still have this Victorian mode of transit. The city Government took over the cable system when the private companies abandoned it in bankruptcy. In 1947, even San Francisco saw the writing on the wall, and decided to dump the lines as well. Preservationists rallied to keep the unprofitable venture going. Certainly only a government would or could maintain such a waste of resources.
I really don’t mind the city doing that. The cable cars are a big part of the lucrative San Francisco tourist industry. You can avoid funding such frivolity by moving out of the city or not visiting. As long as no federal dollars are spent, why should I gripe. But in 1980 San Francisco lobbied the Urban Mass Transportation Administration for cash to rebuild the line once more. 74 million (inflation adjusted) federal dollars went into the reconstruction of the line. The city only had to come up with 17% of the cost, and a great deal of that was raised from private contributions. Mayor Diane Feinstien and Tony Bennet presided over the reopening of the only cable line in left the world, although the routes were greatly scaled back, and essentially nothing more than a ride for tourists. From where I was staying, I was able to ride the cable car to Cobb's every night. Except on the weekends. Because of tourists, the lines were so long on the weekends that it was actually quicker to walk to work.
Why any city continues their public transit subsidy is a mystery to me. Public transit has little or no benefit to anyone not fortunate enough to live near a line. They aren’t profitable either. Right now the Chicago Transit Authority (not the band) is asking the Federal Government for 65 million dollars to cover projected deficits. That’s only a quarter from every citizen in America, but why should you pay anything? So I can get to the airport for just a buck fifty? (the going rate is about 25 bucks). Is my transportation any concern of yours? And don’t start in with those environmental arguments either. Despite conventional wisdom, public transit does not help the environment. According to the Department of Transportation, light rail and busses consume 20 - 30% more BTUs per passenger mile than automobiles. While cars have been getting more fuel efficient every year, busses have been getting worse. You’ll never read about it in the newspapers for much the same reason that you’ll won’t read that new sports stadiums never help a local economy, and don’t create jobs. You’ve read it in the NATIONAL first folks, it actually helps the environment to drive cars.
On my last night in the City, I was treated to a lunar eclipse, a view of a comet and a wild cable car ride. While the Heavens Gate community were fastening up their plastic bags to take a different sort of mass transit 500 miles to the south, I was traveling home from Cobb's on a run-away cable car. The cars are normally latched to the cable, and never get to speeds above 9.55 miles per. This restricts the downhill speed, and actually does return a little energy back into the system. On that last night, the conductor had a little fun. He let go of the cable on the last car down the hill. Because there were no restrictions, the full force of gravity was able to work on the car. The ride was like a rolley coaster, the clink of the cable as the car crested the hill, the lever disengaging the car and a moment of silence before the smooth steel rumble of wheels on track building up speed. The car tore down Russian Hill, its momentum slowed only slightly on the plateaus of the cross streets. The car would even get a millimeter of air before plunging down the next section of grade. The conductor had to lean on the brake to keep the car from flying off the track altogether. I was standing on the running board and hung way out in front of the car to let the cool night air rush over my face. I know it was public transit but in the pit of my stomach it felt like a ride. I think the city should bring the cars into the 21st century. Why not rebuild the tracks and retrofit the cars with urethane wheels like steel coasters you find at amusement parks. I’d bet you could charge a lot more than two bucks for the ride if it did a loop the loop. Imagine the fun of cars full of screaming tourists rattling around the streets of San Francisco.
I think about the members of the Heavens Gate community a lot. It’s really easy to make fun of a cult when you’re on the outside. Those people must have had an unimaginable amount of faith in the Spaceship to pull those bags around their necks. I almost admire the courage and faith it took to tighten up those twist-ties, much like I admire self immolation. I wonder if within all of us there exists a creature able to trade logic for faith long enough to sacrifice their own lives. I don’t think I could have done it. I would have probably torn the bag off my head and ran through the house screaming, “What the hell are we thinking? There is no Spaceship coming, we’ve all been lied to!” I wonder if anyone had a flash of common sense shortly before they blacked out but were already to weak to get the bag off.
The most dangerous cults are the ones that influence a nation and become instituted into law. When the will of a supreme being, that refuses to submit to science, begins to rule over men; chaos ensues. That is why our founders separated religion from government. The Spanish Inquisition was not evil men torturing others, It was the will of god being exercised through the church/state. To dispute this “common knowledge” was tantamount to treason.
What do you do when an entire nation begins wrapping plastic bags around their heads? How long can you let it go before you risk becoming an outcast, or a heretic by trying to wake up the cult members? I scream to anybody that will listen. “Wake up! Take the bag off now! There is no perpetual motion machine coming for you! Global Warming is just a myth and the United Nations are lying to you!” Or will we allow the leaders of the Global Warming Cult to legislate us back into the Stone Age?
This
month, the very coveted “Government at Work for You Award®” goes to
the Food and Drug Administration. Long a target of the Revolution®,
the FDA earned its prize for forcing Ex-Lax® off the market.
Ex-Lax® is an over the counter constipation remedy that has been credited
with billions of relieved smiles over its hundred year history. Its
safety should be proven by this record. However the FDA has discovered
that rats fed mega-doses of Ex-Lax® might develop kidney tumors at
a higher rate than the general population. I think this might be
caused by the dehydration which would inevitably occur when an animal eats
nothing but Ex-Lax®, but I’m no government scientist. I think
there would be a few other likelihoods from a rat overdosing on Ex-Lax®.
Like suicide. I can think of no greater torture than a lifetime of
intestinal cramping. I couldn’t wish that on my worst enemies.
Well maybe on my enemies, but not rats. I imagine the poor animals
had to regularly have their bowels tucked back in. Meanwhile
the guys in the cage next you got to smoke and drink their lives away (you
wouldn’t even have to lock my cage if I were one of those rats).
Thanks to the FDA, Ex-Lax® is now relegated to medical antiquity.
Way to go FDA!
ARIZONA API A Federal Traffic Controller fell asleep at his monitor yesterday and thousands of motorists watched in horror as the cars they were riding in plunged over a cliff.
This is the second time a major accident has occurred at the National Highway Safety Administration since the Safe Driver Act went into effect last year. Before the act became law, automobile passengers were responsible for steering their own vehicles. Studies during the last year of auto-motion concluded that 90% of all accidents were due to driver error. The NHSA decided that all cars should be remotely steered to make driving safer for everyone. Electronic steering has been an luxury option for years, but regulators felt it would have to become law to gain total compliance. Older vehicles had to check into federal facilities to install equipment, and have their steering wheels, and brake pedals removed
Traffic is now controlled remotely by a few hundred federal employees seated behind monitors in Arlington Virginia. Apparently, due to the holiday traffic volume, employees were forced to work double shifts. Fatigue took its toll yesterday when an employee fell asleep for almost two hours while steering a line of close to 1500 vehicles traveling at a speed of one hundred miles per hour. An employee dozing off would not normally be a problem as computerized steering is normally engaged, and short naps are encouraged. The disaster occurred when a rock slide took out two lanes of highway, and the federal driver slept through the alarms. One by one the cars followed each other into the void with the passengers powerless to stop their own vehicles.
The NHSA has apologized for the error, and plans to institute regulations
to avoid such a tragedy from ever happening again. “We need to force
auto-makers to build safer cars,” stated NHSA director Ralph Nader III.
If crashes like this are going to occur, the vehicles involved must be
safe enough to protect the passengers” he told reporters as he boarded
a plane for (cont. on A26)
A regular feature of this newsletter where I will actually answer your questions. E-Mail RevHdqrtrs@AOL.com. For a confidential reply, hire a therapist and keep it to yourself. This is a comedy rag dammit, and if you need me to straighten out your life, you're already further gone than you suspect.
Hey Slagle,
An Environmentalist buddy of mine recently referred to humanity as the plague of the earth. He said mankind was an error of nature that will eventually destroy the earth. What do you think about that?
guilty
Dear Guilty,
You should try to pick friends with less self hatred. I see a lot of environmentalists that harbor the same “I wish I’d never been born” philosophy. It’s a good thing they’re afraid of guns, or the organic food market would be history.
I think humanity gets too much of the blame for destroying the earth. I believe we are no more than helpless animals forced to do the bidding of an evil life form. The name of the life form that controls our destiny is “Wheat.”
Thousands of years ago, we were nothing more than a few herds of smelly
monkeys. We survived by eating berries and nuts, or the few animals
that were too sick or weak to get away from our sharpened sticks.
At night we would sing and dance around the fire until we crawled into
our little mud holes to mate. Disease, predators and starvation would
remove us from this world long before our teeth would rot or our bellies
sagged We were all young, beautiful, and in balance with nature.
And then one of us tasted a Wheat Berry, and sealed our destiny. Soon mankind was no more than slaves to the will of Wheat. Instead of just enjoying the few Berries that would grow wild, we spent long hot days digging up the earth, and planting the insipid Berries. We fed Them with rotting fish and dung, and pulled out all the other plants from around our new Masters so They thrived. To keep us trapped, the Wheat gave us bread and alcohol, and made us think we were in control. We fed Wheat to animals, and they became dependent also. They no longer ran when we came at them with our sharpened sticks. They became so tame, we could almost eat them without killing them. Now we would never have to hunt again. The Fruit of the Wheat Stalk was the legendary “apple” of Eden which banished us from paradise. By adopting agriculture, we controlled the forces of nature, and took ourselves out of the food chain.
After a time, the Wheat grew restless, and wanted to move into Europe. We took our sharp sticks, and used them against other herds of smelly monkeys that were not loyal to Wheat. Soon the entire continent was covered with Wheat. Eventually even that became too small, and the Wheat needed to travel again. He found a new home in America after more smelly monkeys were dispatched, and the forests were all cut down. But even that was not enough for the evil life form. In order to allow Him to thrive, we built machinery to plant Him, and created chemicals to protect Him from insects and other plants. Much of the rain forest is being burned right now to make way for more Wheat Fields. We His slaves are hastily working on rockets that will take Him to the other planets. Some day, Wheat may rule the entire universe.
Save the Universe, Say no to Wheat
Slagle
Correction
The National made an error in publishing two photos last issue without
giving proper credit to its photo editor Tim Reagan. The photo of
the Michigan State Police armored assault vehicle and the photo of Tim
with Chris Burke were both contributed by Reagan. The staff of the
National regrets this oversight and apologizes for any inconvenience caused
by it.
Apologies to all my patient readers out there. I see by my calendar that the last newsletter came out shortly after the 96 Luau, and I have just returned from the 97 Luau. That means this publication is now pretty much an annual. I promise to be more ambitious in 98, and in fact already have started on articles from the next issue. Rest assured that you will get every newsletter you paid for, even if it takes four years. Since experience indicates that this will be the last most of you will hear from me in 1997, let me be certain to wish you all a: Grateful Thanksgiving, Dark Solstice, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Prosperous Kwaanza, Festive New Year, and for good measure a; Righteous Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Lovely Valentines Day, Historic Presidents Day, and a Lucky St. Patrick Day.
Luau Goes off
The 97 Luau was epic. Those of you who were burned by 96, and
didn’t or couldn’t attend this past one really missed out. The Weather
cooperated close to 90%, and this was the first to actually include Halloween.
In attendance at the Halloween party were Drew Barrymore, a cheerleader,
the fairy princess, Kitty Dukakis, and Barney the Purple Dinosaur: not
to mention a host of spirits from the netherworld, a UFO, and werewolves.
We added a second event to the traditional Karaoke Night, we also had Martini
Night which ended up in a round of marvelous headaches for all. No
word as to which week will host Luau 98, stay tuned.
Summer Review
Special thanks to all of you that took time out of their summer barbecue
schedule to attend my debut headline appearance at Zanies. It was
a week of grand debauchery. For those of you who could not attend
due to previous commitments, despair not, I will be returning to
the stage in December for a return engagement.
July Fourth week, I taped a cable show with comic James Inman. (BTW, James just won the San Francisco Comedy Competition Congrats!) A couple of years back, James and I got into a loud squabble over the right to property in a Seattle bar. I called him a hypocrite for valuing his own property over that of others. “I have no property,” he contested.
“Well, what about that shirt you’re wearing? I think there’s probably people out there who need that shirt more than you. If you don’t care about property rights, you should hand it over.” He didn’t quite grasp what I was saying, but I refused to listen to him bashing the rich as long as he was wearing it. Finally, in exasperation, he tore off the shirt, and stormed out into the freezing Seattle rain. Our little argument had attracted a lot of attention, and many of the impromptu audience found it quite entertaining. I thought it would make a wonderful comedy show. Thus was born “the Mudslingers Ball”
Fourth of July Week, the two of us got together with Minneapolis veteran Alex Cole, and staged a week of arguments at Acme Comedy Company in Minneapolis. On Independence eve, a television production company came in and taped the display. No word yet as to what will happen to the tape. At least count on the fact that this won’t be the last time you hear of the Mudslingers Ball.
Nation of Criminals
To those of you who were patiently awaited the release of Nation of
Criminals I’m afraid I have some bad news. Apparently there was a
snafu with the sound equipment. It would seem the prognosis is bleak,
and The Tape is unusable. The professional opinion is that it would
cost more to repair the tape than to re-shoot. I hope to do just
that sometime in ‘98.
Recipe of the Month: Cranberry Curry Roast
This is the first of what will become a regular feature in the NATIONAL. A lot of you probably have no realization that I know my way around the kitchen, and I will attempt to prove it in this section of the newsletter. Meanwhile, I will be reinventing my character in the mold of Martha Stewart.
The following is a festive dish which would probably brighten the table
on any holiday save Hanukkah. Serve with Applesauce, Roasted Garlic
Mashed Potatoes, and a spinach salad.
Pork Loin Roast (about 3 LB.)
3 TBS. Curry Powder
1 TBS. Coarse Sea Salt
1 tsp. Coarse Ground Black Pepper
1 16 oz. can Jellied Cranberry Sauce
2 tsp. chicken bouillon
2 TBS. Corn starch
Rub roast with salt, pepper and two TBS. of curry. Let sit for at least an hour, or in refrigerator overnight. Heat cranberry sauce gently till liquid, stir in remaining curry. Place roast in baking dish fat side up. Spread cranberry mixture thickly over roast. Insert meat thermometer (if available) and cover with foil. Bake in 325º oven until temperature is about 170º or about 48 minutes per pound. Remove foil about 1/2 hour before finished. When done, remove from dish and cover with foil. allow to rest a few minutes before slicing. Heat baking dish with drippings till simmering. stir in bouillon. Mix corn starch with 1 3/4 cup water, stir till dissolved, add to drippings. Continue stirring till thickened. Ladle sauce generously over sliced meat.
Fun Facts:
China, the worlds most populous country has only 1/4 the population density of England; a country that is mostly white, Protestant, and almost never mentioned when population control studies are discussed.
A marijuana user is arrested in the United States every 49 seconds.
2.1 million marijuana arrests have been made during the Clinton Administration.
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Newt Gingrich have all admitted to smoking marijuana,
although only Gingrich and Gore inhaled.
... the mass of mankind has not been born with saddles on their backs,
nor a favored few booted and spurred ready to ride them legitimately, by
the grace of God.
...........Thomas Jefferson
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