The Latte Rebellion- Thousands of protesters descended on Seattle to voice their opinion in favor of Global Poverty.  Union inspired wage inflation has forced industrialization beyond our borders, and people want it stopped.  More could be done for the plight of foreign workers had the protesters traveled abroad to organize workers, but SUVs don't travel well over open oceans, and Third World police don't shoot rubber rounds.  Fair Trade, not Free Trade was their mantra.  Since when is Fair preferable to Free?  Would Lincoln be Immortalized, had he been Fair to the slaves?  Would Sir William Wallace inspired Scotland, had he used his dying breath to scream "Fairness!" ?  In reality, the protester's biggest victory, was chasing convention business away from Seattle, ultimately resulting in less work for Union Electricians, Carpenters, and Dock Workers.

Stop the Insanity- On November 28th a naked man brandishing a sword attacked  a congregation of St. Andrews Catholic Church in a Suburb of London England.  Swords have no legitimate sporting necessity, their only purpose is for killing people.  England has refused to adopt progressive sword control, and lags the rest of the industrialized world in this area.  In fact, there are more swords in the hands of private citizens in England, than almost anywhere else on the planet.  This is a residual effect from the "Knights of the Round Table" mentality that infects most British Citizens, a violent heritage they refuse to abandon.  Quite possibly, this reflects the anti-Catholic sentiment that has prevailed in England for centuries.  How many more tragedies must Britain endure before they catch up with the rest of civilization?

Department of Divine Pranks-  Colonies of Coral have been found growing on North Sea oil platforms.  Dismantling the platforms would now destroy a habitat for a threatened species.  When Industry and Nature coexist peacefully, Eco-Marxists show their true stripes; Greenpeace still holds fast to their policy that oil rigs are destructive to natural coral reefs.

Give me Pokemon or give me Death- Once again, the world is watching a refugee crisis, as officials are trying to decide whether to repatriate a young boy picked up in an inner tube off the coast of Florida.  Fidel Castro, who looks at citizens as property, is demanding his return or threatening the United States with a protest march; Essentially, "Give him back, or I'll stamp my feet real hard."  US officials are having a hard time following the usual procedure of sending the refugee back, because this one is cute.  If we offered his Father citizenship, I wonder how long he would be opposed to having the boy raised here.  If the boy had to decide for himself, one trip to a Miami Toys R Us would cinch it.  Human entropy always expands out of Tyranny; remember, the rubble from the Berlin Wall fell on the West side of the border.

Space Junk-  Another NASA lemon disappeared into the black hole of Mars.  This planet has consumed more resources in one year than the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.  Close to half a billion tax dollars of spacecraft simply vanished into the Martian atmosphere over the past couple months.  The first ship it was learned probably failed because there was a miscommunication on whether the specifications were english or metric.  Meanwhile, the Hubbell Telescope is broken again.  These poor delivery records are making NASA is look like the Post Office of the Space Age.

November 5, 1999

Strange, the controversy over Jesse Ventura's slam on Religion.  Not only did the media seem outraged that he would voice an opinion that their majority share; but he was roundly disciplined for speaking what he truly believes.  It seems we now prefer government officials to tell outright lies, rather than the truth.

I think I've figured out the deal with Warren Beatty running for President; the Democrats are using him to pump up Al Gore's Image.  Compared to Beatty, Gore seems brilliant

And by the way, the press might treat Al Gore as if he were smarter than Dan Quayle, but, at least Quayle had the cognizance to bow out when he realized he was a laughing stock.

Big controversy over the auctioning of Supermodel eggs.  some worry that beauty should not be for sale.  Isn't it already?  Ever notice how pretty the Kennedys are?  Do you think that's just a coincidence?  Rich people can always get good looking mates.  What this auction really does, is make attractive genes affordable to the middle class.

You can never find a good Gestapo when you need one-The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that 24.7 percent of adults smoked in 1997. As a result, the CDC expects to fall far short of its goal of reducing smoking to 15 percent of the adult population by 2000.  The human spirit is a disease that resists control.  After ten years of congressional hearings, propaganda, censorship, lawsuits, regulation, taxation, indoctrination, and legislation  the statistics remain virtually unchanged. Maybe it's just time to leave us all alone.

CDC Revisited- Once again obesity is in the news, and TV news crews take to the streets to tape footage of fat people eating.  According to the CDC, more than half of Americans are overweight.  This makes no sense statistically, as proper weight should be the median weight.  We all know the average American is taller than he was just one hundred years ago.  Would the CDC come out with statistics that most Americans are now overheight, and more prone to helicopter accidents?  I prefer to believe that the modern American just has a higher fat content than his ancestors.

October 6, 1999

You pay for it- State funding of offensive art is in the news again, this time in New York City.  Again, the urban elite have mistaken a childish rebellion for art.  Simple economics would solve the issue, as subsidies are only required for art no one wants to pay for.  I can't see anyone buying animal carcass sculptures for the dining room.  "Ooh look Bradley, That pile of elephant dung would look perfect in the kitchen!"

Even First Lady Hillary said she would oppose cutting the funding but, "would not go to see this exhibit."  Purists might resent the notion of allowing the market to dictate which artists get to eat; and suggest Snoopy and Norman Rockwell lithographs are the only works that would ever be produced under such tyranny.  This is simply not true.  Andy Warhol was a master of marketing, and is still considered a genius. The Arts community is absolutely littered with cash, and would continue their patronage despite a lack of government funding.

I'm not kidding!  If you really want to see first amendment rights trampled, why not rent a gallery and invite the "White Supremacist Artists Association" to do a show.  (Perhaps in conjunction with NAMBLA.)  I imagine there are some tremendous works being rendered in Montana trailers that would really raise a few eyebrows.  Talk about shocking statements!  Just to make the point funnier, apply for a Federal Grant to take the show on the road.

Y2K -Most computer professionals will be ringing in the New Year in front of a monitor, just in case.  Please note I did not say the "Millennium" or "Century."   I refuse to fall in line with the sheep that plan to celebrate a year early.  On the up side, champagne prices should be very reasonable as increased production will meet lowered demand and there will be bargains galore.  Also, those celebrating next year will be the intellectuals and principled, much better company.  Third and most importantly, nobody will be playing that stupid Prince song.

Well we all suspected -According to the Drudge report, CABLE NEWS NETWORK founder Ted Turner, one of the world's richest men, told a gathering in Shanghai that he is "a socialist at heart"  I think we should enact a Stupid Remark Tax.  Anytime a billionaire states a preference toward Socialism, it automatically bumps him into a 95% tax bracket. That way, he can get a taste of what Utopia really feels like.  To make the idea even sweeter, why not forbid him from ever using any private health care, schools, or transportation again.

 Anyone who experimented with a substance, but would imprison anyone for the same youthful indiscretion is a dangerous hypocrite.  If you made a mistake, well then, pay the debt to society for your mistake.  If you feel s cocaine possession warrants ten years in prison and you once possessed cocaine, you owe us ten buddy!   The same goes for President Caligula and his incompetent VP.  They both admitted to smoking Pot, but are standing mute while their justice department rounds up and incarcerates California Medicinal Marijuana users in blatant violation of the 10th Amendment.

The Will of the People- Almost a year after the actual election took place, the results are in, and 69% of DC. voters approved Initiative 59 a measure to legalize the medical use of marijuana. No Surprise that in one of the Nation's most crack ridden cities, people are a little fed up with drug laws.
 

September 10, 1999

Watch your Blood Pressure- A British study recently concluded that non-smokers in the company of smokers have an 82% higher frequency of stroke.  The temperance movement will undoubtedly use this as an excuse to ban smoking in more restaurants and bars.  I would suggest the evidence indicates that non smokers have to lighten-up.  All the legislation, regulations, taxation, and lawsuits have not dissuaded the majority of smokers, and the anti smokers are just going to have to live with it.

Monica's not a Chinese Name!- The US. Department of Energy sent out a notice last month requiring workers to tell counterintelligence officers about any romantic or sexual liaisons with people from countries thought to be developing nuclear weapons.  So much for "Personal Business."

Remember how I did this Mr. Gore...- 12 FALN terrorists are given clemency, and it has absolutely nothing to do with Hillary's bid for the New York Senate.  He told us so!  It's a good thing she didn't run in Northern California, he would have pardoned The Manson Family.

Pro Pollution!- According to a new American Meteorological Society study, last year's El Niño saved hundreds of lives and was a major boon to the economy.  Midwesterners were treated to a mild winter and lower fuel bills.  Not to mention entertaining TV News footage of multi-million dollar California mansions sledding down the faces of cliffs.  Global Warming might not be such a bad idea.  Just ask the Minnesota Citrus Growers.

Le Sun- Turkeys have always been rumored to die in rainstorms because they will look up to see where the water is coming from, and subsequently drown.  Now we have to wonder about the French too.  In America, where health care isn't state provided, very few people make it into adulthood without extensive knowledge of the dangers inherent in solar eclipses.  A good percentage can probably still even construct a pinhole viewer.  The number of people in France who suffered eye damage after watching the solar eclipse was 27.  None of the victims had even worn protective eyeglasses.

Take One of Mine!  A recent eBay auction for a human kidney reached 5.7 million dollars before being withdrawn.  For that kind of cash, you can have both of mine, and I'll have a private nurse administer dialysis on my new yacht!  Besides being a violation of the 1984 National Organ Transplant Act, eBay officials found the sale abhorrent.  Where are the Feminists on this one?  Don't we own our bodies?
 

August 16, 1999

Left coins new word - Biopiracy, the act of removing a minuscule fragment of plant or animal matter from its country of origin.   Cloning has allowed duplication of important organic substances thousands of miles away from their source,  and Brazil is considering a law to ban export of genetic crumbs without signing an agreement to return a share of the profits to the state.  Brazil, like most third world countries rely on export profits to prop up their dictatorship, and might collapse if pharmaceutical industries move offshore. It's not like they care about their genetic resources, this is the same Brazil that burns millions of acres of rainforest annually.

Hillary Clinton vs. the Constitution:  The Senate was conceived as the non-political House of Legislature, that would represent State's interests, rather the national whim.  The 17th Amendment altered that balance, and no administration has taken more advantage of it than the present.  An apolitical Senate most certainly would have impeached President William Jefferson Caligula, and the New York Legislature would never appoint the Shrew from Illinois a Senator.

American Royalty-The media frenzy over the JFK Jr. makes me wonder if everybody is taking this Camelot thing a little too seriously.  We expected such nonsense from the English over Princess Di, as Britons remain Royal Subjects.  John Kennedy was nothing more than a bad publisher, and a worse pilot.   The media virtually ignored that he irresponsibly killed two women.  Remember that this was not the first Kennedy who had trouble getting his girl home.  When word came out that he was missing, I half expected to have him turn up a day later with an army of attorneys, a neck brace, and a transparent defense.  To use the United States military to find him and then bury him at sea; after he had already done that himself, was an insult to the American Taxpayer.

The Market Works!   According to Bank Network News ATM usage has dropped 2.4% over the previous year.  Cereal consumption also has declined.  Both of these events will undoubtedly lead to a price reduction, rendering unnecessary two of the most ridiculous proposed federal laws of the decade.

Smoke  Signals- A lawsuit filed in Navajo court alleges tobacco corporations deceived Navajo Nation consumers, illegally targeted minors, and burdened the Navajo health-care system.  But who originally introduced tobacco to western culture?  I think smokers should sue non-smokers and Indian Nations for the social security they're never going to see.  Most smokers will be dead in the grave, while non-smokers spend their social security money a quarter at a time in slot machines at Indian Casinos.

Gee, Officer Krupke-The shooting by  Buford O'Neal Furrow, renewed the push for more gun control and hate crime legislation.  The Brady Law already failed, as  Buford O'Neal Furrow was a previously convicted criminal and a mental patient, but still had no problem acquiring firearms.  What makes anyone think that the threat of stiffer penalties would discourage hateful activities?  The man took a taxicab from Los Angeles to Las Vegas, it should be obvious he's not right.  Unfortunately, what everyone seems to forget, as a child he was severely abused, torn between two strong women

July 6, 1999:

Implants R Us - The push to ban vinyl toys seems to be a repeat of a previous scare, the breast implant debacle.  Apparently now, the implants are completely safe, and the frenzy was based not on science, but on the courtroom opinions of Jenny Jones' peers.  The controversy boils down to one simple fact: some children like to put synthetic playthings in their mouths, and some people don't like it.

Big Bubba doublespeak, double plus good - Bill Clinton, the man who told children that you cannot solve differences with violence, while bombing Yugoslavia; is now campaigning against local law enforcement using racial profiling.  This is the same Bill Clinton that ordered Al Gore and the FAA to assemble a profiling data base for airline passengers.  Passengers are now routinely searched on the basis of religious and ethnic backgrounds.  He is forcing state and local police to ignore the fact, that almost one out of every three young African American males have run afoul of the law, while holding every Arab-American responsible for the handful of terrorists in America.

Looky what I found - Now we're supposed to believe that Washington somehow  found a trillion dollars at the same time President was engineering a free drugs for seniors policy.  It should be called the "keep 'em alive enough to vote!," program.  They are tapping the well of good feelings, so it should pass unopposed.   Coming soon, free biscuits for puppies!  It should cost the annual budget a minuscule amount compared to the surplus, and if you believe that, the checks in the mail, I'll respect you in the morning, and a few other stories Miss Lewinsky is quite familiar with.

Coming to a Newscast near you -   Get ready for the annual wave of environmentalists blaming summer heat on man-made gasses, and forecasts of impending doom.  They use summer heat the same way Witch Doctors used eclipses to frighten the tribe into human sacrifice.  Most of the reason temperatures seem higher than previous years, is reliance on the heat index to inflate actual temperature by several degrees.  The crisis can be blamed on nothing more than local television stations manufacturing a lead story.

Speaking of Global Warming - Not considered in the Kyoto treaty is a ban on vegetarian lifestyles.  The tendency towards consumption of beans rather than meat for protein requirements, most certainly threatens the environment with unnecessary global-warming methane.
 

June 15,1999:

All the frenzy surrounding the recent high school shootings have tried to find a root cause for the tragedy.  Music, guns, video-games, and violent movies have all been blamed even though entertainment tastes, and choice of weapons varied from incident to incident.  One overlooked common denominator: every single tragedy happened in a public school.  Chubby Ammo-phobe, Rosie O'Donnell, suggested locking gun-owners in prison as a solution to incidents like Columbine.  Would she be willing to do the same to every public school principal?  Discipline is the reason such tragedies never occur in a private school.  Sometimes the threat of a ruler across the knuckles is all it takes to avert a massacre.

We could blame the double standards of feminism.  Choice only applies to the region north of the cervix, as most modern feminists oppose legalized prostitution.  The woman owns her uterus, but the vagina belongs to the State.  As long as the head of the fetus stays inside the cervix you can suck it's brain out;  once it is on the other, you will go to jail if you spank it too hard.  I myself am pro-choice up to the 57th trimester.  I don't believe a fetus is human until he has a job and his own apartment.  Imagine how well-behaved teenagers would be, if you could threaten them with a drive to Planned Parenthood.

I think the Kosovo involvement is nothing more than NATO's first attempt at hate crime legislation.  Just as in this country, hate is a worse crime than murder.  If you kill somebody because you  hate  them, it's a lot worse than if you just kill them.  You know, like if your robbing them.  That's just business.  You've got to make a living somehow.

Clinton's policy on foreign civil wars is isolationist, unless there is evidence of a hate crime.  India and Pakistan, with all it's nuclear potential, is just a geographical dispute.  We wouldn't intervene in Chiapas Mexico, as that was a war of economics.  The Rwanda conflict is over politics.  Genocide is not ethnic cleansing, when both sides are African-American (I mean African-African.)  Besides, I don't think even a talented public speaker like President Clinton is capable of saying, "The Tutsi Hutu War"  without snickering a little.  It's hard to drum up public support when you're worried you might accidentally say, "Hootsie Tutu," and bust out laughing.