his spring, Mercer Human Resource Consulting released their worldwide Quality of Life Survey. One-third of all the top cities on the list are European. Leftists love to use reports like these to trumpet the victory of democratic socialism throughout Western Europe. Quality of life is a vague meaningless term, used to paper over the fact that Europe’s median after-tax income is not far from our poverty line. I think the most basic way to assess quality of life is to look at a nation’s suicide rate. Certainly the desire to remain alive in a given place is a legitimate barometer of its desirability.
Sweden tends to be held in the highest regard by American socialists for her highly progressive tax structure and universal health care. But according to statistics provided by the World Health Organization and the Center for Disease Control, Swedes are 50% more likely to kill themselves than Americans. Some theorists speculate that this stems from cold winters and/or cultural influences. Yet in Minnesota, (where it gets colder, rains just as much, and is full of Scandinavians) the suicide rate is still 36% lower than that of Mother Sweden. I don’t think it’s coincidental that the Swedish suicide rate is close to that of her socialist sister, Canada. For all the talk of gun violence here in the United States, your average Canadian is more than twice as likely to take his own life as an American cousin is to be murdered by an act of gun violence.
Take THAT Michael Moore.
And take France, while you’re at it — one of the least desirable countries on the Slagle Quality of Life Scale — with a suicide rate almost double that of the United States. This should be a comfort to any nation put in the improbable situation of being at war with France. Apparently the French are a danger only to themselves. No surprise then that some of the few victories ever recorded by French armies were in civil wars. You might not like the French very much, but isn't it funny to realize that they don’t like themselves much either?
France was once a noble ally, as our Statue of Liberty suggests, but I truly believe that all the good people left France long ago. The last French people worth a lick were probably members of the resistance. Unfortunately, thanks to the Nazis in concert with the Vichy French Government of the day, many of those brave people were never allowed to reproduce. When it comes right down to it, France is essentially a third world country with good food.
The cuisine is marvelous, so perhaps we should allow France to remain under the protection of NATO, if for no other reason than to ensure that we can always find good kitchen help. In fact, that’s pretty much how I picture France: a sniveling waiter grumbling about the arrogant, English-speaking, American-tourist-pigs while he counts his tips for the day. Little do the French remember that some of the fine old Pinot Noir vineyards they cherish would have been ripped out and replanted with Riesling grapes — had not American soldiers with their unsophisticated pallets freed their Bordeaux vineyards. Rather than sniping about warmongering Americans, they should imagine drinking Rhine with their stinky little cheeses and show some appreciation of our real influence on world culture.
There was a time when French was the international language of diplomacy. The Little Empire That Couldn’t is still quite bitter that their native tongue became irrelevant long ago. Not only is English the modern language of diplomacy and business, thanks to Hollywood it is also the language of popular culture. Bureaucrats in Paris and Montreal scramble to pass legislation forbidding American words from slipping into their beloved Franciasse. They should relax and accept the improvement. English is clearly the more pleasant language ? filled with words completely unknown to our Gallic brethren — words like courtesy, gratuity, and deodorant.
I honestly don’t see why we bothered asking the French for help with Iraq. Haven’t we tripped over enough retreating Frenchmen over the past hundred years? In fact, I would suggest that we mobilize our European forces down into the Gulf and let Europe fend for itself for a while. And if something happens? Cèst le vie. What do we need Europe for anyway, so college kids have a place to go backpacking?
The kids all rave about Europe, and I think it’s because everyone over there lives like a college student: Nobody has any money, they take trains and bicycles everywhere, and everyone starts drinking at noon, right after their nap. They all live with their parents; they get a month off in the summer; and there’s always a protest breaking out somewhere. Not to mention that free clinic just around the corner. Europe is actually the biggest college campus on earth.
I’m tired of being compared with Europe as if they're an ideal to which we should aspire. Europhiles remind us that American history is adolescent compared with the antiquity of Europe. I usually have to remind them that we are the oldest surviving democratic republic on the face of the Earth, and that our Constitution has served as the model for those few European countries that have one. We are the leaders. They are the followers. Where do they get off claiming to be more civilized? Europeans are hairy-backed savages that have been at war with each other for thousands of years, and would have annihilated each other twice in the last century if we weren't there to break up their fights.
They are so proud to have finally produced a new common currency called the Euro. This will replace their previous common currency known as the dollar. The elite of Europe have convinced millions of Americans(most of them college professors) that social democracy is the wave of the future, and—the collapse of East Bloc Communism not withstanding—they are determined to prove it. Much like a frustrated 19th century inventor taking his flying machine out to the cliff for one more go, the leaders of Europe are certain that their new common currency will be the economic fix that will once and for all allow them to rival the United States, a nation that they both envy and loathe.
I think that quality of life should be indexed to envy. Take the number of people around the world that long for what we have, and you’ll get a darn good measure of our desirability. To put it on a high school level: America has the coolest cars, the greatest jobs and the best-looking chicks. We are the popular country that everyone imitates, the tough guy that very few nations dare to fight. (Granted there will always be a couple of freaks in the corner lobbing spitballs when you’re not looking). The real reason the world hates us is that we have it all, and the fact that we know it infuriates them even more. Meanwhile, U.S. State Departments around the world are deluged with people submitting applications to become Americans. We need no more assurance that our quality of life is second to none.
Much like the soufflé that always falls, the government of France is actually making a fifth attempt at a working republic. In the two centuries since our revolution, they have experimented with as many empires and monarchies. Their arrogance and belligerence have made it virtually impossible to maintain a consistent government, and it’s no surprise that their latest, and probably most stable, government is based on a Constitution closest to ours. Had they listened to Jefferson back when he was an ambassador there, they might have prevented lot of bloodshed. And yet, many Americans insist on elevating Europe to the status of role model. You hear it all the time, “ In Europe they have gun control!” “In Europe they have socialized medicine!”
Yes, and in Europe they also have kings, monarchies, and state religions— do we want those too? Europe is populated by the descendants of peasants who didn’t have the ambition to emigrate to the United States or the courage to overthrow the tyrants that run their little duchies.